I don't have dreams anymore about having another baby. But I still look around for the three of them and for an instant, I panic, wondering, "Are they all here?" Then I realize they're all there with me, all three; Savannah and Seth are playing beside me, and Arwen is in my lap. So naturally I wonder next, "Am I supposed to have another baby? Is there a fourth one waiting for us?" Is her name Johanna? Johanna Lorena? Was she just now conceived in my mind?"
I've done this since Seth was born. The feeling did not go away with Arwen's birth. I always come to the same conclusion, I think I could have baby after baby and never lose that feeling that one has gotten away and is no longer safe with me, or the feeling that one is still waiting to be born. The feeling does not last long. Like most thoughts, it takes a lot longer describing it than the time it did originally thinking it.
Some women don't stop having babies. There's that option I suppose. We're in this for the long haul anyway, so to speak. Considering how easily as we had these three, and the years of new babies I could have ahead of me...(let's see..I'm 30 now, 3 babies in roughly 5 years... with, say, 15-17 years left of fertility, that could be about 8 or 9 more babies! depending on how age affects fertility.)
I don't mean to scare our parents. We don't really intend to have more little ones. But I do understand why a few parents have chosen to keep having babies. They are blessings from God. And we have often thought how much more fun our lives are after having them. We wouldn't know any better if they hadn't been born. Or maybe we would. Maybe we'd still be going to the movies once or twice a week, eating out too much, wondering what should've been. Well before having Savannah, I wondered if I really should have children. I was glad that I at least asked the question: should I not have them at all, have 2, 6, or just keep on until I no longer can? Obviously, the answer was yes. I tend to look back with regret, remembering negative things, sometimes in much too good a detail. I didn't want to look back with regret, old and childless. If we hadn't had any of our own, I would've chosen adoption. Somebody else's would've been better than none.
